Katie and Nathan

December 25th, 2010

She had a list.

Most women do. You know, that list that outlines what they’re looking for in a partner? He has to have perfect teeth, a 401K and a good relationship with his mother. Maybe a dog. He should never curse, and always iron his clothes. Flossing wouldn’t hurt, either.

Katie’s list wasn’t like that.

There was the optional part of the list, which included dark hair, an accent and green eyes, but other than that, the list was solid.

#14: Likes sunshine.

#34: He will feel comfortable talking about poop with me.

#40: Likes mullets.

#42: Will sing me “The Glory of Love” and the “Top Gun” song.

Her list makes me giggle. But it also makes me cry.

#7: Wants to be 100% in love.

#15: Is tolerant of children with special needs.

#23: Looks at me when I talk.

#25: Has integrity.

#29: Says, “Hi, beautiful,” every time we talk on the phone.

#44: Will look at the stars with me.

#50: Will choose to live his life with joy and will challenge me to be a better person.

The list had 53 items on it, and Katie told me Nathan ended up fitting every single one of those items (except the dark hair and accent part). This really made me start to wonder what I should be including on my list. I’ve made tons of them in the past, but when I look back at all the superficial and empty things I had on them, it’s no wonder I ended up so darned confused.

Katie was confused, too – before she met Nathan. She spent five years in an on-again-off-again relationship that taught her only one thing – what she didn’t want. The day she heard Nathan speak at a Greek Christian Alliance meeting on campus, she turned to her friend and said, “I didn’t know guys like him even existed.” He was respectful to women, he was kind, he didn’t use profanity and he shared her faith.

Little did she know that once, when she shared with a group at a Greek Christian conference about the ways in which her faith had changed her life, Nathan was listening. He developed a crush on her instantly.

So here were two people who never officially met, but who were both completely taken by each other’s words. Neither knew of the other’s crush, college graduation was drawing near, and they would each go home, to cities four hours apart.

Nearly a year later, something remarkable happened. They both ended up at the same dinner gathering in the same city. They started talking. They exchanged email addresses. They emailed for two months, dated for six and were married nine months after that.

“I knew during our two months of emailing that Nathan was the one.  I knew immediately because when my previous relationship ended, I made a list of 53 things I was going to wait for in a husband, and told God that I was not going to settle and would wait however long. Nathan came two months later. I knew what I was looking for, and Nathan was very obviously it for me.”

Nathan knew fairly quickly, too. It was as obvious as the nausea on his face.

“On our first date,” he recalls, “I had so much energy and excitement from getting to be with her, that I decided to take a run around the park after eating. I came back and threw up right in front of her. She rubbed my back, and I knew then she was really nice.”

It was a good thing Nathan was so generous with his, um, feelings, early on, because that night was just a drop in the bucket compared to some of the struggles the couple would face throughout their marriage.

Not long into their marriage, Nathan changed careers, and they moved from Kansas City to Madison, WI, where he went to school for his Ph.D. Right before that happened, they had their first child, then had another child shortly thereafter.

“Since moving to Madison, we have had two of the roughest years of our seven years of marriage,” Katie recalls. “We moved to Madison with a five-week-old, knowing no one, Nathan started school, we were trying to live on a fourth of what we were making prior to our move, new state, new apartment, Nathan had a really rough first semester, we were so lonely and Nathan worked all the time. The second rough year was the year Sophia was born. She was sick, I had pretty severe post partum depression and anxiety, and, over time, all the stress began to negatively affect our marriage.

“There was a time when Sophia was about seven months old that I was ready to give up. I thought, ‘Is this too hard?’ And a little voice in the back of my head said, ‘No, don’t give up, keep going, this is worth fighting for.’ So I did. I remember coming home and talking to Nathan, and us both agreeing that things were getting bad. We called my parents and asked them to take care of the girls for a weekend, and we went to a hotel and talked things out, tried to make a plan of how to get our marriage back on track, and remembered why we loved each other. Things definitely began to get better after that, but we really had to work at it.”

When you’re young, and you watch a lot of Disney movies, there’s this unfortunate glamorization of marriage. It looks like all it takes is a man, a white horse and a glowing sunset. For so many of us, we inherit the false idea that love is all it takes to make a relationship work. Katie and Nathan can tell you it takes a lot more. For them, faith is a big part, too.

“I think things get skewed when the media and movies make love look like this great, easy thing,” says Katie. “I have learned that love is not always how you feel – it is a choice you make. There are times when I feel totally in love with Nathan, but there are also times when I don’t feel that way. I feel tired or blah or angry or sad. I have learned that feelings cannot always be trusted, and I try my best to show Nathan love no matter how I feel.”

Nathan does the same.

In fact, during that rough patch when their second child was sick and Katie was having a tough time, Nathan still chose love.

“Every Christmas we write out 100 reasons why we love each other,” he says. “The year Sophia was born, we did not get to do that, so I did it for Katie’s birthday the following August. Those eight months from Christmas to her birthday were bad. She had post partum depression, and was angry and being kind of mean to me. I did it anyway, though, because we are both committed to making this work.”

Nathan has a list of his own when it comes to what he loves about Katie.

“She is gentle, compassionate, loves to help people, gets excited about the little things in life, is a good nurturer, an excellent mom, encourages me, believes in me, trusts me, works really hard, is creative and really cute,” he says. “An important bond between us is our faith, and it helps that we both realize we are not perfect, and do things that are hurtful to each other, and when that happens, we ask for forgiveness, and that fosters healing.”

“Nathan cares about how I feel and what I think, and he is present when he listens,” Katie beams. “He opens car doors for me to this day. He brings me tea in the morning. He challenges me to be a better person, and is an awesome leader for our family. Most nights I go to bed thanking God he is mine. Although marriage is hard work, it seems not so hard with him. I think he totally rocks.”