When You Lose Your Heart, Where Does It Go?

March 3rd, 2011

I created this blog with the intention of learning more about love. I thought, by reaching out to couples who have made it work, that I might gain the hope needed to move forward in my own quest for love.

Turns out, my plan worked. More than a dozen couples into my project, the dark veil lifted. I learned about teamwork, communication and commitment. I learned that a true partnership is difficult, but that if both people are truly in it for the right reasons, it’s worth all the struggle. Happiness comes and goes, but love is always there, covering bodies, minds and spirits like an invisible swath of fabric. Love protects you. It warms you. Basically, it’s got you covered.

All the amazing couples I met were truly changing my perception. I was happy. I was…ready.

So I gave it a shot. I took a few baby steps forward, and landed in something quite lovely. For awhile, I was beginning to feel tiny whispers of love in my ears, dangling like invisible pearl earrings. Then it dropped into my coffee, like pearls of sweet joy. Soon, it was floating through my bloodstream like hope.

It was like a caffeine jolt. I felt awake.

Turns out, though, it would not be enough for me. Not this time. Like all the times before, when a smile or a foreign language, or the fact that I was invited out for a nice dinner was all it took for my feet to begin twirling like a ballerina, this time would be different. This time, I looked for the things I’d learned about from my couples: alignment of values, emotional capacity and shared world. So many of those things were there. So many things I never cared to notice before were bursting through, clear as day. This person was lovely. He made me feel heard. He made mushy broccoli, but he also made me laugh. He collected magical shells for me during his beach hikes. He gave me lots of hugs. He carried in my groceries. But it wasn’t enough. There are many reasons it wasn’t enough, and all of them are based on hours of careful thought and tons of reflection,  but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Love was like a slinky. I had it in my grasp, but it tumbled through my fingers and down the stairs. It wasn’t mine to hold. Not this time.

Because of this, I stopped writing. I stopped feeling. I stopped believing.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately, when you lose your heart, where does it go? Does it tuck into a corner of your body you don’t know about and blend in with the surroundings like a chameleon? Does it recoil into itself like a turtle in its shell, retreating from the world? Does it melt into your bloodstream, making your breath thicker and more heavy? Or does it just go to sleep? Taking a break from feeling for awhile as it slowly begins to mend?

I like to think my heart was just asleep. I let it rest. I gave it time. I’ve been very gentle.

Today, I felt it beating quietly inside my chest. It’s awake again. Not ready for another round, but ready to start the journey from the beginning, where it last left off. Ready to start believing again. Ready to keep trying. Ready for another couple.

Stay tuned…